(Published in the Philippine Daily Inquirer)
IF HOLLYWOOD wants the vilest of villains,
Right away they'd cast a Brit.
Viewers love English cads who inflict murder and pain
While skewering victims with their sharp British wit.
In the Philippines, however, pure villainy seems reserved
For the females of this nation.
So, Satan's a Woman (gasp!) whose persona must accord
With lucrative "Kapuso" and "Kapamilya" notions.
Her name must sound Latin, replete with the vowels "a," "i" and "e"
Such as, Lavinia, Valentina or Angelica.
She must be evil in the extreme, a super Cruella De Ville,
Who can bellow, "Mwa, ha, ha, ha ha!" with hateful glee.
She must speak perfect English. Yes, yes, she must.
The insults are more condescending this way.
"A second rate, trying hard copy cat!" turns to rust if it's just:
"Isa kang laos at puto mayang pusa!"
Well, I've lost my rhyme but not my reason
So, here’s the point I want to make:
Pinays are passionate goddesses many men worship with zeal
Loving, forgiving and fashionably smart
It's heinous to cast her as this hideously unreal
"Mega kontrabida" with all the charms of a putrid wart.
Have a heart, 2 and 7, don't give us more evil ladies.
I'd rather romance Katrina and Angelika, instead.
But if you truly, direly need a really vicious baddie . . .
Hire an Alien.
It'll make money for you--until you're dead.